Ahhh what a wonderful way to amuse myself...

Now I appreciate a good sarcastic comment. Ok scratch that I FREAKING LOVE THEM!They make my day worth getting out of bed for! I stumbled across this website that lists some funny one-liners. Below are a few of my favorites (I did not write any of these... although I really, really wish I would have.


Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".



1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.


A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.


I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?


I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.


I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.


To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.


What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.


Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.


Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.



I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


I think, therefore I'm single.


Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.


I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.