Now I appreciate a good sarcastic comment. Ok scratch that I FREAKING LOVE THEM!They make my day worth getting out of bed for! I stumbled across this website that lists some funny one-liners. Below are a few of my favorites (I did not write any of these... although I really, really wish I would have.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
I think, therefore I'm single.
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
It is really interesting to see where life will take us. The challenges we all will face the people that will come and go and the limitless things we will learn and see. Even thought we are taught to expect challenges losses or in some cases tragedies we all secretly hope that they won't happen to us. You also never know how you will react in a situation until you are in the middle of it.
When I was hospitalized in 2007 for a large blood clot that went to my right lung causing irreversible damage and nearly killing me (several times). I spent 3 long weeks in the hospital and went through 6 surgeries/procedures before I was finally released to go home.
This was easily the hardest, scariest and most life changing thing that has/had happened to me. But besides these obvious emotional reaction to my situation I have a lot of fond memories of that time as well. I wouldn't be Samiee if I didn't right?
So instead of dwelling and being sad/angry about the things I have lost because of this situation I want to focus on the things I gained.
*A better understanding of the phrase "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." For reals it isn't worth stressing over things you can't control. Life is waaaay to short to waste your time on things and people that don't matter.
*Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you. Seriously, I knew I was loved and had lots of friends but I had no idea how much I meant to some people. This includes my family. When I wasn't doing so well I asked my Mom to have my brother in law come to give me a blessing. When he came he stayed and held my hand and cried with me. I have known him almost my entire life and I had never seen him cry before and the only sign of affection we had ever shared was calling each other names :). It meant a lot to me that he did this and I will always remember that.
*It's ok to cry when your scared. I didn't cry or freak out about my condition until my best friend Virginia came in the room and burst into tears. This is when I fell apart for the first time. I felt such relief. Everyone had put on such a brave face and didn't show me how scary this all was. So I felt like I had to do the same.
*Laughter is the best medicine. Thank God for my Dad. Now, he is a big tough guy on the outside but I know he was scared for me. That didn't keep him from cracking a few jokes and making me laugh. Also, exorbitant amounts of pain medications make a lot of things funny. Really,really funny. I started complaining to my mom that the tiny alligators where biting my ankles and I wanted them to stop. But they where so cute and little I just wanted to pet them but they kept biting me. My mom laughed about that for days.
One time a new nurse came to check on me and when she came into my room to have me sign some paperwork she took one look at me then at my ID bracelet and asked if I was old enough to sign my own consent forms. My dad thought that was hilarious. (Without make-up or my hair done I looked about 15)
*Pudding is amazing. There are like 3 things I would eat while I was in the hospital. One was the pudding. OH EM GEE!I could not get enough and it was the only thing that stayed down. The other 2 where crushed ice and Sherbet ice cream. I lost a lot of weight while in the hospital because I am such a picky eater and hospital food is NASTY! After a few days in the hospital and sending back my tray virtually un-touched the hospital nutritionist came to my room and wanted a list of things I would eat. They where willing to make me special meals just to get me to eat something. HAHA it was a REALLY short list. The nurses would bribe me with pudding and orange sherbet ice cream to get me to eat anything else. Ya, I was 25 when this all happened but you would have thought I was 8.
*My friends are ridiculous and amazing at the same time. One day while in the ICU at Utah Valley after surgery Shaun and Virginia where visiting, as they did almost daily, and Shaun spent the better part of an hour trying to convince me I needed to buy a Nintendo DS as soon as possible! I am not into video games at all, not even a little and it was hilarious how serious he was about me needing this DS.
*My family is just as ridiculous and even MORE amazing...... When I was first admitted to the hospital I asked my Mom to bring a few things from home. One was my blankie. Of course she did this but after a few days of being embarrassed by the fact her 25 year old daughter slept with a hot pink blanket that had tinker bell on it she went out and bought me a more "age appropriate" one.HAHAHA I still sleep with the blanket my Mom got for me.
These are just a few of the fond memories I have from this time in my life. I am just glad I have any at all! This was a totally scary time and things probably shouldn't have been enjoyable at all but these few funny tidbits really helped get me through it.
